When You Try Too Hard…

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And fall flat on your face. Or atleast I think I did.

Back in August my son and I took a trip to Vancouver. The girls were in Europe for a good month and given my work situation I could not join them. My son also spent time in Europe with some friends so he had a good summer of travel. I needed to feel like I had a vacation so at a moment’s notice we decided on Vancouver. My main motivation was that I wanted to see some friends I hadn’t seen person to person since our teenage years. Mind you, I did cross paths with my friend back in our mid/late twenties in downtown Montreal but his sister I hadn’t seen in forever. I was both excited and anxiety filled because… me.

After numerous discussions with myself I finally sent my friend a message only once we got to Vancouver.. Essentially our first full day there. Given I just sprang this on him I was fully prepared to accept if we couldn’t get together. Luckily that was not the case and we set a date to get together.

We planned to meet at his sister’s house so that we could go over to their moms who lived close by as I absolutely wanted to see her.

This is where things start to spiral down due to ….me… I just don’t get it. In the end I think I am my worst enemy.

For the most part my nerves got the best of me. And when I get nervous I also start to stutter. It’s interesting. I have had many people over the years, including colleagues (my boss specifically) compliment me on my writing skills… unfortunately that does not translate to when I speak. Sometimes. I always say that I am not eloquent when I speak.
I also over analyze and that always makes things worse and unnecessary.

So let’s analyze, shall we? 😆

Leading up to the meet I was stressing over the fact I could not remember their mom’s name. Literally beside myself with anxiety… and so I stuttered through asking what her name is.

When we got to their moms I sat on a chair and immediately realized and felt something was wrong with the chair. It moved like it was going to break apart. So a normal human being would have said something.. Me? Mr. over analyze things, felt like I didn’t want to embarrass the mom and decided to stay seated and move as little as possible while praying to the gods that I was mistaken… but as time went on there were subtle indications I was not wrong. And then the moment happened; the chair collapsed under me. Thankfully, I guess, my ninja like reflexes kicked in and I was able to grab onto the table and so didn’t flat out fall completely to the floor. Still an embarrassing moment.

After I switched chairs we caught up a little and things were going great. At one point I was asked if I’d ever retire to Italy. I could have made the answer somewhat simple but instead I brought up the fact we bought property there at the onset of covid. It bothers me so much because it can certainly come across as showing off. And really that is not who I am.

Fast forward to the restaurant.
We order drinks and soon after the waitress comes paper and pen in hand and says something. She was at the far end and admittedly I didn’t hear what she said so assumed. My response was clearly wrong because she walked away and that caused some laughter.
Would it have been so hard to just stay quiet or ask the waitress to repeat herself? Serenity now.

The catching up we did at the restaurant was so good. I could have spent hours and hours with them… unfortunately it was a weekday and unlike my son and I they had work the next day. So how could I end the night without another blunder? 🤔

I decided that I would pick up the tab. The reason was all but innocent. Here I am sitting with friends I hadn’t seen in years. I didn’t give them a heads up I’d be in their neighborhood. Yet they made the time for my son and I when they could have said no and I would have understood. I was very grateful for that. Simply put, it was my way of saying thank you and nothing more. Honestly, I don’t know that I could have found the words to properly express how I was feeling. Yet because of how my brain works all I could think about after the fact and AGAIN was ‘what if they thought I was showing off?’. My brain.

You know that expression… you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression. I feel I failed. I hope I am wrong. I’ve had moments since where I thought of reaching out and explaining but knowing my luck I would just make things worse and unnecessarily awkward.

The week in Vancouver was too short so it’s definitely not a one and done. I would like to return with the whole family once I can compile a massive amount of $$$ 😋.. Beautiful city but wowsa. Another get together with my friends is definitely in the cards and hopefully I can do better this time around.

I thought by writing down my misadventures it would be cathartic… but to this day and months later I am angry at myself and writing it down has not really helped. 😆