The road to becoming empty nesters has begun.
This long labor day weekend has been super busy getting our daughter settled in, in Ottawa where she will be attending school. A lot of drives to and back from Ottawa. It started Friday and it came to a close, for lack of better words, last night.
This year has been heavy on me; anxiety wise. She took her first trip without us this summer. Traveled to Europe with a friend for six weeks. It was a long six weeks!! She’s following this up by leaving the nest for her studies. Of course we’re incredibly proud of her and this accomplishment but at the same time, selfishly, I wanted her to stay local….. And yes, I get it.. I need to accept and cut the cord.. I am hearing it from everyone!!!
I am already feeling the pinch today. With all the weekend hustle and bustle it really didn’t sink in…today it has. The house is quieter :(… I already miss her and her fire cracker of a personality… one of the best things about my daughter.. And there are many… is her sense of humor…my god she is funny.
As her father all I can do is continue to love her unconditionally.. Support her in her adventures and in what her heart desires and miss her quietly.
A life lesson learned at the ripe old age of 50. Last week a colleague of mine passed away. A few months back she had had a mild stroke. She went through a stint in rehab then returned to work slowly with half days and then full time. I was given the news of her stroke from another colleague who was nice enough to update me every time she got news. I never reached out while she was off work. I felt uncomfortable doing so even though we go way back. Given I was getting updates I thought that once she got back to work it would be easier to reach out. It didn’t. Days became weeks and then as I always tend to do I over think things and felt embarrassment over the fact that so much time had gone by.
How do I call her now after all this time?
What do I say?
I won’t have that chance now. There’s a lot of guilt in me that I didn’t call her. And for what? Inexcusable. Forget the embarrassment I felt. The guilt will forever bother me. The day the news came I was a wreck and could not focus. I was abrupt with everyone. It was a difficult day. To this day I cannot bring myself up to bring her up in conversation with the colleague that was updating me on her progress. It’s still too hard.
RIP. Gone too soon. You were first and foremost a great person but also a great colleague. It was always a pleasure working with you as you made it very easy. Your demeanor was fantastic. You also ‘got me’… which made me feel reassured. You will be missed.
The start of the new year is normally always exciting and a welcome. For one, and most importantly, my son was born on January 4th so we get to celebrate that. Secondly, the new year brings with it a fresh start. Unfortunately, this year it also brought some sadness. On Jan 3rd I was forced to make the difficult decision to put down our wonderful caramel.
Caramel was 13yrs old… I was completely gutted. I feel some guilt that maybe had I acted quicker things would have been different but the doctor says that would not have been the case. For about a week prior I noticed that caramel was drinking a ton of water and also urinating a ton as well. I didn’t make much of it because she was still eating. Over the last weekend of December though I noticed she wasn’t eating any more and for a couple days I tried in vain to force feed her watered down food through a syringe. When I didn’t see any improvement I took her to the vet only to hear the bad news. According to the doctor in all likelihood she had kidney failure and she didn’t even recommend trying anything as she was too far gone. Caramel’s temperature was very low which indicated she was close to the end. Running tests and giving her meds would only prolong the inevitable and the humane thing to do was to put her down It was devastating to hear. My daughter was with me balling and I had to avoid looking at her as I didn’t want to break down in front of the doctor. We were given some time with caramel and then she was taken away.
She is missed dearly. I can see that Clementine too misses caramel.
This is just such a tragedy. They all are. Who failed her? There is so much to go around… U would think that after the Amanda Todd suicide that there would be change… Mind you, a little naïve on my part. Amanda taking her life didn’t happen too long ago but still…such tragedy. It breaks my heart when I read articles like this one. Amanda’s video was gut wrenching… Reading the open letter Rehtaeh’s dad wrote to her post death was gut wrenching. I think the world, in general, has gotten so rotten in so many ways. I have kids; a boy and a girl.. And all I can do is worry about the world they live in and what it’s becoming. It’s a world that is very detached. It’s a world that is becoming heartless. Noone truly cares. It’s a world of bullies..It’s a world that has become desensitized to violence. It’s a world that glorifies violence.. Vampires, werewolves, zombies… This is what is ‘cool’…violence on TV is beyond graphic… I can actually admit to the fact that an episode of ‘the following’ got me sick to my stomach…Then u have the video games… Don’t even get me started on that one. Obviously I will not be that person that lays entire blame on these games. I do believe that ultimately there is something wrong within a person that leads them to a path of darkness…that inability to separate fantasy from the real world… These games don’t help though… Just adds to that desensitization I wrote of earlier.
Not one month ago, two college students were convicted of rape and the girl was vilified on Facebook and threatened… The girl.. Really? If I recall, even CNN was blasted for being sympathetic towards the 2 boys. An example of a distorted mindset.
Bullying has always existed but the advent of social networking has created an unbearable environment in our society. It’s tough enough as an adult but imagine for a child regardless of age. It’s an ugly, ugly world. To be bullied in such a public way… My god.. Horrendous. How do u ask a kid to have a tough skin about it? How? How do u ask or expect a kid to just forget about it? Growing up I was bullied.. Some really bad times early in high school… But even then I knew that essentially I had two choices… U let it defeat you or u rise above it…I chose the latter. In the end I was able to get past it all and u know what things did get better!! For anyone to get past it they need support.. Some more than others. Everyone is different and deals with things differently but regardless they will always need someone. They always need to know that someone cares.. And not just their parents. They need to know that others care… But nobody does… They just talk the talk but noone walks the walk… maybe I shouldn’t write “noone” … But far too little is being done.
I started this blog entry late yesterday afternoon… And took my time with it… I could probably go on and on but I won’t. At one point yesterday I read that the group ‘anonymous’ tracked down and identified 3 of the 4 culprits and were very close to getting the 4th. I don’t always agree with what this group stands for but u know what? I was happy to see that they accomplished what the police couldn’t. This morning, the question on the news was ‘is what anonymous doing now also a form of bullying?’… Unfortunately I had to leave so could not see the piece but… Again.. Makes u wonder…four boys rape a girl, she takes abuse for it, for that she takes her own life… A vigilante group regardless of their other motives, does the right thing and tracks down the culprits… And somehow that is wrong? I understand that two wrongs don’t make a right but who exactly was the victim here?
Rest in Peace Rehtaeh.